Life Series: Understanding
July 2, 2012 at 11:00 AM I wanted to go further into building relationships and explain another way I learned how to achieve, build and keep longer lasting relationships.
This topic is about understanding. Have you ever misjudged someone and later found out you were wrong? Have you ever jumped to conclusions about what someone may have said and got angry, only to find out you were too fast in your thinking?
I have spent years misunderstanding others. I already shared with you in my other blogs about how damaging my relationships were and how I wanted nothing more than to "figure out" what I was doing wrong to find that success with others.
Well this book I am about to talk about has been around for years and has been read and reread more than a thousand times. It was first recommended to me about 10 years ago and I had no desire to read it until my last miserable relationship ended.
The title of this book is called The Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman. I would highly recommend EVERYONE read this book if you want to obtain healthier, happier and more fulfilling relationships with ANYONE!
He shows us how to create a better understanding and how we can do that to relate better to others and reach ultimate relationship success.
He explains that there are Five Love Languages in which we communicate our love to anyone. If someone speaks our "language" to us we feel this tremendous amount of love that is everlasting. If some time during the relationship this language changes our love flame peters out and we feel lost, confused and angry as to why this love we once had has now left us feeling abandoned and heartbroken.
There is a way to find out a person's love language. Mr. Chapman says that we communicate in our own love language to others. So be receptive to how they show you they love you and you will probably have their love language correct. There also comes a time when you can put this plan into action and see how your counterpart responds.
I have tried this several times with different people. From my partner, to kids and even my clients. I get the best response when I communicate with them in the proper language.
Picture each and every person walking around with chemistry test tubes in their hands. Each with the Five Love Languages written on them. Each tube has a number on it that correlates to the importance of that particular language. Physical Touch for me is very low so mine might be a 3. So my test tube number only goes up to three, where my Quality Time is a 15. So you would be able to see the best way to relate to me (if you wanted to build a relationship with me).
It may be helpful for you to figure out your own first to have a better understanding of how to pinpoint someone else's.
Here they are in no particular order.
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation is explained by how we talk to one another. What is our tone of voice, word choice and dialect. How we talk to one another is very important but so very important to the person who's love language is words of affirmation. This also involves recognizing when someone did something worth complimenting. Holding a door open, letting someone in traffic or doing the dishes. A mere gesture of recognizing the action they performed goes so far with someone of this love language. A compliment, a thank you or even a grateful smile will keep their test tube full.
Quality Time is doing things that you both enjoy together giving your undivided attention to each other. This does not mean sitting in the office together while you are both on facebook. It means spending time, talking, doing an activity, walking, communicating with each other in such a way that is meaningful to you both. Now keep in mind that this other person can be your spouse, partner or child. It can also mean your parent or sibling. This can be used with anyone you wish to have a better relationship.
Receiving Gifts is the act of getting something from someone. It could be a flower when you were on your morning walk. It could be a book you thought she would love to read. A poem you once wrote in high school. A box of tools from your grandpa that he would love to hang in the garage. A gift is a gift no matter the price. It's something thoughtful and has meaning to the other person. This could also mean the gift of your self. Being there for them when they need you most. Being available to listen or toss the ball or read her book once she's finally finished.
Acts of Service is when you do something nice for someone else. You wash their car while they are at work. You send her to the spa while you take care of the kids. You fix the door that squeaks that she's been annoyed with for several years. You change the cat litter without being asked. I know that's a tough one but you want to win her over don't you? Well, then change the litter box once in a while. Make the bed while she's in the shower. Do the laundry while she's at work. Get up early and brush the snow off her car (hey I live in Michigan where it could snow in July - that's when I wrote this blog). You could pick up his dry cleaning or have his saw blade sharpened before he starts his weekend project. And when she buys 3 buckets of strawberries you could hull them before she gets home from work and have a bowl for her ready when she walks in the door.
Physical Touch is one that can be misunderstood but yet I find it to be so simple. This can mean of course sexual contact but it can also mean holding hands, touching the small of her back, an arm around his waist, a hug before you leave for work and it also can mean a kiss on the head of a small child, or simply a high five.
I would suggest you spend some time figuring out what your partner or child's love language is and experiment with what makes them so happy.
Here are three ways you can discover yours and their love language:
1. What do they fail to do that hurts you most deeply? What do they complain about that you don't do?
2. What do you most request from your spouse or children? What do they request from you?
3. It what way do you regularly express love to your spouse or children? How do they express their love to you that makes you feel the most loved?
I highly encourage you to try this method on those you love and explore different ways to love them. You will see major differences in how your relationships move forward immediately. Keep at it love takes time and effort almost everyday. But once you have the key all you have to do is turn it.
Til next time Be at Peace~!
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