Life Series: Relationships

I learned a long time ago that if I was to make it in this world I must learn to get along with others.  I did hear that somewhere in my preschool days when my teacher would tell me not to hit the boys and that I needed to work on getting along with the others kids. It just took me near 20 years to fully understand what she meant.

I had to learn to find a way to communicate my thoughts and feelings effectively. And hitting the boys was not working well at least not for her, it worked just fine for me.  

When I was younger I didn’t have very good relationships. I was an outcast in school and teased for too many reasons to list here. But somehow I managed to survive even though there were many times that I didn’t think I would.  It wasn’t until after high school and college that I worked on my relationships.

I heard one time at an educational conference that all problems are relationship problems. In my years of working with people I would have to add to that observation that that relationship problem may be with you.  When I have a client who is having a really hard time losing weight and they spend more time beating themselves up than getting healthy I ask them how they feel about themselves. Their answer is usually in some form of I don’t like that I have let myself down or I can’t believe I did this to myself. Sounds to me like that they need some forgiveness in their life.

The relationship you have with yourself is, in my opinion, the most important relationship you can have. Think about it. If you don’t like yourself how can others possibly like you? You wouldn’t feel worthy of that kind of attention right?  I remember feeling just like that when I started dating. How could this person who is so special possibly love me, I’m nothing. Well it was many years of this kind of behavior that I found exactly what I needed to change that inner self talk. This “education” I found and learned changed the world of relationships for me forever and I want to share it with you.

I had my deal of crappy relationships one right after the other. I was allowing others to disrespect me and then pretend that their actions were normal and that my thinking was “out there”. In my gut I knew I was right but I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself at the time.

I will tell you know that it is because of this information that I am now a strong business woman who will demand respect all the while loving to the fullest. I understand how to read and relate to others in a way that helps me build a relationship very quickly and effectively.  Here is what I learned.

I learned that we all have different needs and different ideas on how we want those needs to be met and by whom.

This is something we cannot change it’s part of our makeup and we are born with it. Have you ever met someone that you feel is just completely impossible to get along with? That is because you are meeting the wrong need in that person. If you understood what she needed you could fulfill that need and she would be putty in your hands.  And I don’t mean in a sexual way either, I just mean you can now relate to this person and get to the heart of them and really build your relationship. Isn't that what we all really want, are good honest trustworthy relationships? 

I learned that there are 5 basic needs. These needs are: 

• Survival
• Love and Belonging
• Fun   
• Freedom 
• Power 

You can probably guess what each one means but I will give you a brief description. Then afterwards there is a way to diagnose each need and see where you stand. Furthermore you could also do this same thing for another person you may want to relate to.

If you have kids and if they are difficult this will work wonders. Knowing their needs will help you learn how to relate to them and meet their needs in a way that makes you both happy.  I have been working with kids for almost 20 years and I have used this method to build my relationships with them.

Survival is basically the need to survive. In adults this may mean they have a hard time spending money. They have to have a job, a house and perhaps kids to carry on their name after they’ve left this life.  This type of person will do anything in their power to make sure they survive in this world. They will climb the corporate ladder, they will save every dime they earn and work hard to ensure their success. In kids this might mean that your child will act out due to hunger. They are hungry and may not feel focused due to this feeling. They may also need a security blanket or teddy bear to help them feel secure. 

Love and belonging is the desire to feel loved by others. Having a sense of belonging to a group or community is high on this persons list. They may have many friends and or acquaintances in which they spend their time. They may also be a part of many groups that makes them feel important. In kids this may mean they want to make friends and sit with or in some cases on the teacher.  They are in a constant need to have attention from someone important.

Fun is when a person has a need to learn new things. This could be in any form of reading, talking or doing. We all learn in different ways and each person has their preference. But once we stop learning we become stagnate. We also want to laugh, play and enjoy our lives. For kids they would be on a constant learning journey. These are the ones that practically teach themselves how to read and go on the potty.

Freedom is having the need to be independent from others. They do not want to be told what to do. Perhaps this adult owns their own business and their kids constantly want to help and do not need help from others. But mostly we want to be free to make our own choices, decisions and mistakes.

Power is the need to feel pride. We want to be recognized for our accomplishments. We will start any endeavor as long as someone is at the other end to give us praise.  In kids it looks like, “mommy look what I just did all by myself.”  If this need is higher on the charts it can also mean never stopping with what you have but continuing on the journey to obtain more just for the sake of it. This one can get hairy if it gets out of control. 

For your own diagnosis put a scale next to each need from 1-5 and see how you rate. 5 is the highest. How do you fulfill this need and how would you like others to fulfill it? This is all part of building the relationship with yourself and remember that is the most important one.

I want to continue with the life series: relationship post because I think they are key to our very success. But I will stop there and continue with the method and the other one I learned in the next post.

~Til then Be at Peace

Other related posts:

Life Series Part ONE

Life Series: Behavior

Life Series: Understanding

Life Series: Gratitude

Life Series: Communication